review: HOW TO BUILD A GIRL or how not to build a film

i am not very familiar with caitlin moran. i know she's a famous writer who hails from the uk and who dabbles in feminism, but other than that, i can't tell you one book she's written or anything she's achieved. this is more of a slight on my somehow terminally online self than her very famous persona. i'm sure one girl from a formerly communist country not knowing who she is keeps her up crying at night.

i didn't have any opinion on moran before the film, but now, after watching the semi-autobiographical film based on her semi-autobiographical novel, i have concluded that she's thinks she's god*. i mean, the film, which she also happened to have written, is a hot-air-balloon-shaped picture, all about how lonely and poor, but also insanely talented and better than others she was before she became one of the uk's leading opinion-shaping public figures.

(*a fact confirmed by her wikipedia page. MORANIFESTO, MORANTHOLOGY, a different show inspired by her life, and a memoir? jeez.)

johanna morrgan (beanie feldstein with a "british" accent) lives wolverhampton with her wannabe rockstar dad (paddy considine) and postnatal-depression-sufferer mom (sarah solemani) as well as her two brothers and two newly-born twins. johanna has just one friend and speaks to the figures she's glued on her wall* all the while dreaming of becoming a writer. after a disastrous experience of reading her poem on tv, johanna is mortified; she can never show her face in public again. except her brother krissi (laurie kynaston) suggests she send a review to a music magazine looking for writers. intrigued, johanna, an ever-unpopular kid, reviews the ANNIE soundtrack and sends it.

(*the figures are mostly randomly chosen. there's some that make sense such as emily and charlotte brone played by sue perkins and mel giedroyc and sigmeud freud as michael sheen, but there's also also lily allen as elizabeth taylor which feels more as if the singer was allowed to choose who to cameo as than a decision made by the filmmakers beforehand.)

when the magazine staff gets in touch with her, she's elated and quickly makes her way to the headquarters to get her first assignment. there, she finds a group of men who thought they were being pranked by nme, but johanna fights and she gets a concert to criticize. from there on, johanna morrigan "dies" and dolly wilde, a cool, down-for-anything, rock music lover free spirit is born.

her road is not perfect; she is almost sacked for being too nice after she turns in an feature on john kite (alfie allen, charming) that is criticized for being too girly, but johanna dolly perseveres, mutating into something even "wilde-r" than even she probably ever thought she would become. her road is filled with rock music, sexual escapades, and a newfound confidence that scares her family. but she refuses to slow down, her personality and dreams being too big for the small town in which she lives.

the film is your usual coming-of-age story, but what sets it out is the lack of chemistry coming out of feldstein. as johanna, feldstein proves once again that she's one of the least talented actresses of her generation. johanna never has a chance to become anything more than just an annoying teenager in her hands and the actress' complete lack of charm makes you wish she would someone would stuff a magazine down the character's throat and push her away from the scene.

the rest of the cast is fine. nobody stands out as moran was too busy giving johanna several traits instead of just one as everybody else gets. considine gets some meat to his story, faring better than the rest of the cast, but this is a role he could play in his sleep. solemani is wasted as johanna's mother, being in the background to just look exhausted. the magazine's staff is your usual misogynistic bunch of gross men, all stock characters of music critics.

the story is very by-the-numbers. the magical wall might annoy others, but i thoroughly enjoyed it. the rest is... fine, just fine. things are boring, then good, then bad, then even better than they could have ever been. the ending is a rose-coloured conclusion that feels appropriate in the context of the fantasy's moran's created, but also very obvious. moran seems to believe that her story is the absolute best story there is seeing as she's written a memoir, a novel, and created a show about her life before this movie*, but is it that good to exploit in so many ways? not really. moran also feels as if she's excusing johanna's behaviour, not once analyzing why she's become a tornado of a person after her new job.

(*'you wouldn't say that if it were a man' i absolutely would. hope this helps!)

HOW TO BUILD A GIRL is a charmless romantic coming-of-age comedy, one that would have been helped if a writer who was not moran would have tapped into the story, drilling for more nuance and complexity than moran's biased self could do. it also would have helped if a british actress with charm and talent would have played johanna instead of feldstein. in short, if you want to build a good movie on HOW TO BUILD A GIRL, you need better construction workers.

HOW TO BUILD A GIRL can be viewed on hbo max.